by Cathy
Throw a rock in the water and what happens—ripples. The ripples spread out and influence everything nearby. Like the ripples in the water, the early birth of your baby cause a ripple (or a tidal wave) and influences the family life you thought to create. Such unexpected events cause emotional upheaval and we feel like something is lost. Guilt is associated with loss and is one of the various feeling states that people acknowledge and work through to redefine expectations for the future.
It is easy to get stuck feeling guilty. So how can you move past being stuck? Here is a different way of thinking about guilt to help you turn those thoughts into something that can work for you instead of against you.
G--Get your rest-- Eventually sleep issues affect everyone. A
minimum of at least five hours of uninterrupted sleep can make all the
difference in the ability to cope day to day. Adjust your expectations
and make it a priority to give yourself permission nurture yourself as
well as meeting your baby’s and family needs. This can happen in a
variety of ways from taking 15-20 minutes a two to three times a day to
do relaxed breathing to asking someone to come over to do laundry while
you nap. It is the little things that really matter.
U--Understand the root of the feeling— Among the various reactions
and feelings, being the parent of a premature baby involves a sense of
sorrow and loss. The sense of loss shakes up our thoughts and beliefs
about what impact we have on our world.
We struggle with guilty thoughts typically in three ways. The first way is by telling a story, often very convincing, that we are responsible for the situation--something you did or did not do is the cause of your baby’s early birth or developmental concerns. Another way is by thinking that you are being “punished” for past thoughts, feelings or actions that were inappropriate, such as regretting being pregnant at sometime during gestation. The third way you might express guilt is by thinking good things happen to good people and that because this bad thing happened to you and your family, then you must not be “good.” Moving through guilt, not dismissing the feelings, allows us to re-shape cause and effect, right and wrong and the impact of these experiences on our life.
I--Initiate contact with your partner or spouse—reach out. This
may be the hardest time to reach out. Every mother feels the need to
protect her “cub” from the outside world. Sometimes the outside world
includes your partner. Your husband is going through his own ups and
down despite the fact that he may not show this side to you. Research
indicates that mothers feel intense guilt, remorse and low self esteem
after traumatic birth and ones sense of confidence is shaken because
the baby is their offspring.
Despite the fact that your husband likely has gone through the
experience with you, sometimes it may seem like even he does not
understand. He may feel helpless, uncertain what to “do’ and think that
you are asking to “fix” whatever is wrong. By taking the time to say,
“I don’t need you to fix anything, I need you to listen and hear me,”
you are more likely to get your emotional needs met.
L--Love your baby— Sounds obvious but it is really easy to get
preoccupied with thoughts and feelings. Tons of thoughts fly through
your head which create doubt. Doubt in your ability to care for such a
small baby, doubt about whether your life will ever be back to “normal”
and worry about the future.
Anxious and negative thoughts affect your body. You might unconsciously
hold your breath or flex your muscles. Your baby can feel your tension
and subsequently become irritable and agitated. It’s the ripple effect
again; our mental health can impact our relationship with our baby and
family.
All these preoccupations take energy and zap strength. Both energy and strength are needed to make efforts needed to meet your baby’s needs. Anxious thoughts distract us from being fully available emotionally. Try to avoid losing yourself in anxious preoccupation. Your baby needs you to be present and participate in creating the “baby dance,” the give and take, trial and error efforts that we make to get to know our baby.
T--Talk with others and find support. In stressful situations, women have the primitive reaction to “tend and befriend.” By connecting with others who will listen, you can have your experiences acknowledged and be cared for. Finding others who experience similar circumstances can help reduce the isolated.
So how do we move past the guilt? Understand that being the parents of a child born prematurely is a life changing experience. All your emotions must be felt— denial, anxiety, anger, depression, guilt and fear are all feeling states that need to be experienced and felt—not ignored—for resolution. Reaching out to others, whether in your family, your community or for professional help is a huge step forward toward growth and gaining a new resilience to tackle the challenges ahead.
You can do it!
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